Much further

                I remember myself before, back in third year highschool, when my classmate introduced me to Gospel. Back then I was still a Pharisee, depending on self-righteousness for my salvation. I accepted Christ after she described Hell and told me that only through Jesus I can be saved.  I became a “Christian” that time only because of fear, and I thought that’s the only point of Christianity – to be saved from the consequences of my sins. Period.

                I knew nothing about a personal relationship with God. At first I thought it was just about praying every night before going to sleep. And then later, I started reading our Bible to know more about God. Do some good things and then that’s it.

                When I became connected to a church, I saw another face of Christianity. It became more real and God revealed Himself to me mightily and I knew that He is a person who loves and want to fellowship with me. Prayer and reading the Bible became a habit. I enjoyed being a son to Him.

                 But there was a time when I started feeling this intense longing for God. I just feel like, there is much more in this Christianity. That this relationship with God still has something to go further. Much further.

                 I was just seeking God, desiring Him to be as real to me as He was to the early Christians. My little faith fails me to step out of my comfort zone, staying where I was and complaining to God why I was not moving. I confess to Him my longing for Him but still I feel like I was not going any further. I feel like I still cannot reach Him. And that is a big fat lie.

                But that season did not end there. It has a part two.

               I am currently reading the Book of Psalms and every time I read a verse or a chapter of it, I can’t help myself but to be in awe of the author’s relationship with God. The relationship is too real and personal. That’s exactly what I long for – to learn how to completely trust in God, and confidently declare that He loves you in any season of life, that He is not a God who is far, but who is with you and continuously thinks of you.

                I want to learn how to worship God even in awkward ways. I want to hear His voice whispering in my mind very clearly. I want to be familiar with is ways. I want to learn how to be sorry for my sin not because of its consequences or the shame it brings but because I hurt God and did what is evil in His sight. I want to be holy and full of the Spirit at all times. I just want to be close.

                The Book of Psalms is encouraging me to continually seek God, telling me that I can have that kind of relationship with Him, too. But of course, I have to make a move. Like any other relationship, time and communication are essential. But the most important ingredient is still His grace.

“I need Your blessings, but most of all, it is You who I desire the most.”

Someday, I will see Him face-to-face. He will no longer be invisible to my sight.

I can’t wait to see Him.