How long, O Lord?

There are times in my life when I just can’t help myself from praising God because of His goodness displayed in my situation. When He answers my impossible prayers, I praise God. When He gives the desire of my heart, I praise Him. When He makes my path clear and helps me carry out my plans, I praise Him. Whenever I feel Him working mightily in my life, I am in awe of Him and my lips utter beautiful words coming from my heart.

But there are also these times when I can’t find God anywhere. I can’t feel His presence. My prayers seems like they are just bouncing off my ceiling. No one in heaven notices my cries. My heart can hardly speak anymore because of tiredness of calling out to God. Problems are unusual. Even if I believe and expect for something, nothing happens and I can’t help myself from being discouraged to pray to Him. After all, no one listens to me. Time passes by very slowly. Waiting for God to respond is like a person waiting for a loved one who is in war to respond to his letter, without assurance when the soldier will be able to reply or if he will ever reply. It seems like forever, and you do not understand why He is allowing those things to happen to you – in a very long excruciating period of time. When David experienced this, this is what he said to God:

Psalm 13

(v1) How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

 How long will you hide your face from me?

(v2) How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemies be exalted over me?

Sometimes, when this happens to me, I have the tendency to complain to God in anger, forgetting who He is, and as if the whole solar system revolves around me and my problems. But David knew his place, that he is just a servant needing the grace of a mighty God.

(v3) Consider and answer me, O Lord my God

              Light up my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death

Even in his sorrow, He did not shrink back from his faith. Even if every time he prays and God does not answer him, he does not get disappointed. He does not feel discouraged. He knows who his God is so His confidence in God did not cease. Even if there is a possibility of God not answering him again next time , he still is faithful to pray to God, and he was sure that amidst the long period of drought, maybe this time God will answer him finally.

(v5) But I have trusted in Your steadfast love;

             My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation

(v6) I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.

He remained faithful to Him, because he knows that the One who is with him is more than faithful. :)

Forgiveness

"So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I BEG you to reaffirm your love for him."

-Paul, 2 Corinthians 2:7,8 (ESV)

(I was greatly moved when I have read this for the first time so I am sharing it. )

Whenever we sin to God, He does not condemn us. He does not want us to be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow because of condemnation or shame or self-pity. He does not want us to feel depressed and hopeless because of the sin that we did. He desires to forgive us, and Jesus' sacrifice is the proof.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

-1 John 1:9

We are sure that we are always forgiven whenever we ask God sincerely for it. But what about when our brother sins against us? Do we respond to him like God will?

I remember our pastor assuring us that we will, someday, offend a brother or be offended by a brother in a church. Even I have already experienced that. And God wants us to respond to this kind of situation in a way He does.

 "So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him,..." -2 Corinthians 2:7

"For you were angry with me, your anger turned away that you might comfort me." - Isaiah 12:1

We are not just to forgive, but also to comfort the one who has offended us. Obviously, this is so because the love of God in Christ encourages us not to focus on what the disease is, or what caused the disease, but on how to heal the sick. Do we want our brother to be depressed? to feel hopeless? We are not to condemn, or to resent, or to make any further damage to anyone. We are to forgive even the unforgivable, just us God forgives us in Christ. 

Our confidence to be forgiven by God should also be the confidence of our brother to be forgiven by us.

So I BEG you, whoever he is, whenever there is, to reaffirm your love for him as Christ does to you.

Desire

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

-Psalm 37:4

Yes. The desire of my heart. A powerful driving force in my life.

So powerful that it takes over my faith, and enslaves my body.

This is a season when I can not feel the fresh river water flowing at my feet, when I can barely feel the silky grass on my back as I lie down on a green pasture and the gentleness of the breeze touching my skin, and the pain is slowly eating me inside because the strength of my heart’s desire is directly proportional to the impossibility of it to happen.

It was impossible.

All my life I have wanted it to happen. I was praying for it for several years by now and the feeling of discouragement and hopelessness has already crept in. It takes away the joy in me.

But He knows my struggle. He feels for me. He sympathizes for me. My Father is ever with me.

The Lord wants me to be persistent and to continue praying for it. He does not want me to give up (Luke 18:1). He does not want me to be overcome by these feelings and negative thoughts. I believe He was the One who gave me this desire, and He will satisfy me someday. He is telling me to go on and be expectant.

I will delight in the Lord. No matter how strong this struggle is, I will always find peace and hope in Him for He is loving and trustworthy.And He gave His Word that He will give me the desires of my heart. He is first above my desires, and worthy of my praise.

It was impossible to happen, before I learned how to hold on to His promise.

Your will be done

One night, I was wondering what God wants me to be after graduation. Of course, I don’t want to pursue my plans if they are not according to His will. Then I realized that I am being so focused on my future. I should not just let God take control of my future, but also my present life. So instead of asking what His will is after my graduation, I think it is better to ask what His will is for the next 24 hours of my life.

This day, I don’t know what can happen. My summer vacation so far is too routinary. Honestly, this bores me so much. Being away from my church and having no academic problems seem like I already forgot how to depend on God’s power. I feel like I have set aside His will in my life temporarily. Actually, I feel this whenever I am home. I forgot that my purpose is not just limited within the bounds of my churchlife or my life in university, and that He is currently at work in my life. But my purpose extends to every area of my life. I should not just be aware of His will whenever my Christian friends are around, or I attend a youth service or see a possible person to reach out. He is busy working in us even during this boring summer vacation, and even if I can’t feel it. His will covers everything, every little thing, every detail of my life. Even the things that seem like God does not care about, He has a will for it. A purpose for everything.

So I have to ask for that will, and be aware of that, that I may participate to what He is doing, and to prevent myself from hindering His plans.

“Lord, what do you want me to do this day?”

I thank God for this realization, and for redirecting me to His will.

:]

Seek

I was reading the ninth chapter of the Book of Psalms when I came across verse 10 which I already highlighted before.

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

-Psalm 9:10

I’ve read this several times before. I am just reminded of God’s faithfulness for those who patiently seek Him. I am currently having a hard time finding God in this season of my life for some reason, and was almost going to give up. But I have tasted the goodness of God, and I have decided not to give up this little faith of mine no matter what happens, because He’s not giving up on me either. And this verse just encouraged me to go on and continue seeking Him. 

Love

A year ago, I was having this struggle within me. My heart thirsts for love, for affection and attention. Before I got to be a follower of Christ, I was putting my security to my self-righteousness, friends, grades and other sins. I thought those things would satisfy my cravings. I thought the pleasures that they gave me would last. I thought I already found love in them. But deep inside, something was wrong. I still always feel incomplete. The cravings became so intense that it actually turned into pain because of hopelessness.

When I knew Christ, I gave them up to Him. I knew better, that these were not able to satisfy my soul. But, I still felt the incompleteness. I was still longing for love and intimacy. That was the season of depression to me. Every night I cry out my heart to God, hoping that He would satisfy me. I was, then, a new believer and starting to know Christ. The Gospel was not that real to me, and I was just beginning to see a glimpse of it.

I remember myself one time. I was sitting outside the university’s main library, reading my Bible and talking to God. I was complaining God about my depression. About my insecurities. About the love that I could not find. I told Him, “Lord, I know I won’t find that love in anyone or anything. And I know that You love me so much, but I can’t feel it. What I need is love that I can feel physically. What good is you love if I am not able to feel it? How will that be real to me?” I was teary-eyed that time because of the pain. I was wondering if God really hears me.

It was an immature and faithless prayer, indeed. 

One night, I had a high fever. Of course, my body felt so hot that time. In the middle of the night, I was woken up by this sudden warm feeling. Because I had a fever that time, I easily perceived that the feeling was not a result of my fever. It was so warm and light, very far from the feeling of fever. It was like a gentle water flowing though my body, but at the same time was intense. It was the first (and the last) time that I experienced that. The first thing that came to my mind? The Holy Spirit.

After experiencing the Holy Spirit baptism and felt His manifestation physically, I became interested to what other Christians feel when they experienced it. :D And some say they felt an intense warm feeling. It was pure and full of love of God, that they started crying when they felt it. And I think that was what I felt that night. 

It humbled me, knowing that the God of the universe, the King, really listens to and loves a sinner like me. I was not even showing respect when I was complaining to Him. But there He was with me, sympathizing with me, understanding me. He just let me feel the purity of His love. He knew what I needed that time. He is truly my Father.

As I continue this journey, the Gospel becomes clearer and clearer. It becomes alive and real. Only He can satisfy the longings of my soul. Though I always fail, His love never will. His love indeed satisfies. 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
³ He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

(Psalm 23:1-3)

Where is the horizon?

I don't know about God. He gave me a glimpse, a tiny fragment of the whole picture of what is going to happen in the near future. But I don't know how it will happen, and when.
He just wants me to go, and continue focusing on Him, and He is the one who will bring me there.

Why "To the Next Horizon?"

Because according to the prophecy about me last March, God is bringing me to the next horizon and He wants me to be confident with that. I am now anticipating great events to happen in my life now, but He says that I should do my part also. Of course, I will. But honestly, I still do not know clearly what actually my part is. :)

So this is my way of monitoring how God will bring me to that horizon little by little.

Someday, I will see a pattern of how He molds me, maybe somehow with the help of my posts here, and of course, His Word. And His plans will later be revealed to me in a mighty way. Yes. In a mighty way.
I have to be prepared.
:D