Clouds of doubt

Dated: Midnight of Nov 7, 2012 at my room

I fear that the time will come when my faith will fail to believe, my wisdom to discern the truth and my eyes to see the light. I honestly do. There are so much confusion that is happening in my life right now, concerning faith. Major foundations of faith are being questioned in my mind. The more I comprehend how important knowing the truth is, as by knowing it determines real life and death, the more I get to question every belief that I have. I feel like, if I missed the truth, as if missing the bull's eye, I will live my life being deceived. Who wants to be deceived? 

I dunno if I am the only Christian who is as doubtful as a skeptic. I question almost everything. I always ask the infamous doubtful question "what if?" According to a prophecy about me last March, God will use me to influence those who are doubtful, skeptics and atheists. Maybe that's the reason why I have to be the most doubtful of all - to be able to answer their questions once I have been enlightened. 

I want to come to a point when I will be willing to die for Jesus. That's scary. But I want to be strong enough to carry that burden. There are so many requirements before anyone will be qualified to do the work that God call us to do. Of course, it is still He will change us to be qualified, but the process are always difficult and painful. And there is no shortcut. 

I believe I am in a major make-over. I feel like I am being disciplined under the strictest observation. I have never been in a place of darkness this long, or this intense to the point that prayer is truly the only option left. The fiery arrows of the enemy fly everywhere and I don't even know how long I can endure. 

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

I thank God for reminding me of these verses just now while writing this. That is exactly how I feel sometimes. And I know at least once, every Christian will experience that. I realized how dependent I am on myself in terms of keeping myself in the faith. I did not actually realized that before! Now I am being disciplined by God. He's telling me that it is He who will sustain this faith. I will definitely lose my strength to hold on for I am just a human being, and that's exactly what I think God wants to happen: that I may know that He is faithful, not just through the words that He say, that I may experience it. 

"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life." (ESV)

"But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!" (NLV)

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me" (NIV)

Different versions of Psalm 54:4

He keeps me alive, whether it's physical or spiritual. I might have been trying to save my life by holding on too much to my faith. I thought I got it all covered. I have already researched all that I have to know about the scientific and historical evidences of Jesus and the Bible when I was a baby Christian, I have seen God worked miracles through people (even through me, once) or through my prayers, I can see how He planned the details of my life to lead me to a church. I have convinced myself that I can sustain my faith with logic, knowledge and experience. But for some reason, they seem not too convincing to me anymore. I mean, they are. But my heart still is not at peace as if I needed more resources but I have nothing left. 

I knew I need more than what I have. I need God to intervene. How impossible this Christian life is apart from God! 

From dead, through Christ He made me alive forever. And since He is the One who wanted me to be saved, then He is the One who will sustain me till the end. 

Trust in God; trust also in Me.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." - Jesus, John 14:1

(This is one of the verses that greatly comforts me in time of trouble)

This was the time when the original disciples of Jesus were troubled by so many things. There were so many problems, uncertainties. And Jesus comforts them.

Whenever I find myself troubled in my heart, this is the verse that I keep reminding myself of. It is like God is telling us that whatever troubles our heart, whether it is a problem in academics, in family, in relationships, or sin struggle, fear, doubt, anxiety, uncertainty, weakness, or we feel like we're in the midst of wilderness or darkness, He is in control. It doesn't matter how severe or impossible we, human beings, think the problem is to solve. It doesn't matter how incapable we are to solve or even alleviate the problem. It is God who matters, His sovereignty, His ability, His willingness to help us, and His perfect plans. 

He is telling us that He is trustworthy, that we can rely on Him about everything. He is giving us a promise that He will act. We just have to have an attitude of surrender and faith. 

God loves us. Looking to what Jesus did on the cross for us, I am convinced that He cares for me greatly and I can trust in Him.

Awakening

It's the theme of our Leader's Camp this year.

Last year, it was different. The theme's title was "Go fish" and that was about making disciples. Honestly, It was not as moving as I expected it to be, not because the message is not great, but because I just graduated from Training for Victory just few days before that. Training for Victory is a course in our church that tackles about being a disciple and how to make disciples, which is the theme of the last camp.

I remember months before last year's camp, I was not yet fully known as a Christian in my home. So I had problems before I got to attend the camp:

1. My parents wouldn't allow me to join that event. It's a "born-again" church.
2. I have no money. If ever my parents would allow me, I was still unable to go

But I prayed for these and God made a way. My parents allowed me to do and they even gave me money for it. (It was difficult for me to ask them, though)

Team Yellow: (From left to right) Julio (Team leader), Me,
 Jeje, Jelay, Anne, Arla, Aaron and Jcel.

This year's camp was different, entirely different. My only problem is the budget. I did not bother to ask my parents for allowance because we were really struggling financially. So I got to pray for my allowance and step out in faith. 

Doms and I planned to do F.R.A. (Fund Raising Activity). We sold chocolates to our friends. It was my first time to fight for my destiny in this way so I was very hopeful that I would see God working with me. In my dismay, I found out I am not good in this. Doms was already telling me excitedly how much he's earned from the activity while i struggle from it. I was tempted to feel envious of him but thank God I gave me faith not to. I reminded myself that it was not we who work in us but God. Despite the discouragements, I continued believing in God for His provision.

I was forced to used my own money for the camp, because of my eagerness to join it. But God is good. he surprised me. After paying the 50% of the payment for the camp, Alxis, one of my Victory groupmates, asked me how much is left to pay for the camp. He told me he was going to pay for it. Thank God! Ate Xane and my Mom also game me additional allowance at the end which made my budget overflowing. I have even gone ahead of Doms in terms of raising funds. I am not competing with my friend, I just want to emphasize that God has His own ways of blessing His children. Who would have thought of any of this will happen from the start? I certainly don't! 

So the camp begins. As early as the worship service before the start of the first session begins, I already got a revelation from God. Hebrews 12:1-3 has always been in my mind but I could not understand clearly what God was trying to say me.

The second session is the most amazing. I have been struggling with so many things this previous semester and I was asking God to do something about them. But I felt like I was waiting in vain. I have in my mind what I needed. And God is faithful. The thing that I needed is what the camp is all about. I felt like God designed the whole camp just for me. 

Many wrong mindsets have been broken by God's truth that day and we were liberated from the bad effects in our lives. One of the greatest wrong mindset we had is prioritizing our reputation of being a leader than our devotion to God. It greatly struck me. I realized I have always tried to be a perfect, "struggle-less", mature Christian and I wanted everyone to see that I have all things in my life under my control. But God knows how broken I am deep inside. I prioritized more how people see me, rather that doing what is more pleasurable to God. I chose the world rather than the truth of God. I did not even realized before that that I was a victim of this horrible thinking.

But I thank God for He has shed His light on us, His children. now I feel free from any reputation I was trying to maintain in the sight of people. I can now humbly accept my weaknesses that I always deny from myself and others. I have been too proud of what I have become, even if I am actually nothing. Now I am back to the simplicity of following God, of following Jesus.

I was sleeping, and not paying attention of myself. I thank God that He included me to a church like this, and that I have leaders who shepherds us very well. Now I am awakened.

A thorn in my heart

A burden, it is. It has been making me spiritually unproductive for the past couple of months. Yes. It's been that long. It is like a stumbling block to my growth that I find hard to pass through. I know I will overcome this by the power of God in me soon, it's just that I need a clearer direction and revelation from God how to deal with this.

God told me last March (through a prophecy) that He is going to bring me to a new horizon, and He wants me to be confident of that, but there is one thing I have to do. It's kind of vague. And my present situation implies that I am not there yet. Maybe because I still haven't done what I am supposed to do. And I believe it has something to do with the thorn that I am talking about.

The Divine French Fries

     At the start of the week, I lost my wallet. So I lost my allowance for the whole week. I prayed to God to give it back to me, but the wallet never came back. :(

     But it's okay. Nothing to worry. Will I be forgotten by my Father in Heaven?

God is good. I have been saving few coins everyday for months so I had enough to use for my everyday life. Two friends treated me for two different dinners. The other friend lent me some money at the end of the week for my transportation back home. In all of these, I thank God for His provisions, for people.

     But I had just enough. I could not afford to buy anything that I want. This Thursday, as I was walking to our church center for our youth service, I passed by McDonald and I craved for french fries. I was tempted to buy the regular sized one, but I did not give in. I have to be wise. So I just prayed to God, "I really want french fries. It's been a long time since I last tasted some. I pray that you would provide me some, kahit tikim lang. That would be enough."

     So I sat somewhere on the expanded area of our church center, readying myself to meet my friends and new faces. When I turned at my back, *poof* I saw my classmates holding a McDonald's paperbag that has french fries in it. I said to myself, "This is it." So, of course, I grabbed the opportunity to ask for some. YEY.

     I hope I asked God for a the large sized, not just some. I would have eaten more. Haha! Still, I thank the Lord for the divine french fries. :))

Doubting your salvation?

"Are you sure you are saved? Why don't you feel like you are?"

When was the last time the devil asked you of this question? You are tempted to doubt and believe in the lies because you really don't feel you are saved. You still fail. You still fall into the sins that you repented of. You don't feel any "Christian" feeling that you were imagining you would feel. You are trying to justify that you are a Christian by enumerating to yourself some of the sins that you have overcome, or the changes that happened to you. "See, I have changed. For sure I am a Christian." And then unexpectedly, you gave into those temptations again. It turned out you have not overcome that sin completely. Now your performance failed you. Your feelings failed you. You have accepted Jesus as your Lord and my Savior so many times to make sure. But still, you don't feel like you are a Christian.

Feelings. 

It is really deceitful. 

"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God."

-Romans 10:17

Faith is believing in the Word of God. Whether you feel it, you see it or not, it true.   Yes, there will be a lot of changes when you got saved, but it's a process. It won't happen overnight. You leave it to God. It's not your job, it's His. And I believe that when a person sincerely asks God to save him from his sins, God hears it. HE NEVER REJECTS ANYONE WHO COMES TO HIM. It is exactly His desire. 

So brother, if you feel like you have done everything, prayed fervently, believed and repented as hard as you can, know in yourself how sincere you are, but feel like it is so hard to be saved, as if you cannot achieve the status of being a Christian, I tell you, it's not true. You don't achieve it, you receive it by faith, knowing that God loves you so much and rejoices when you first came to Him. Be confident of God's love. Do not be distracted by this lie. Continue in Him.

Oh no! I sinned. God must be angry!

Ask yourself,

(1) "Does God condemn you?" and remember Romans 8:1 which says "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

(2) "Is He angry with you?" and remember Isaiah 12:1 which says "“I will give thanks to you, O LORD, for though you were angry with me, your anger turned away, that you might comfort me."

     It doesn't matter what sin we did to God. Our response is what matters. And God tells us that He is forgiving, and He still wants us to remain to Him. We are always welcome to return to Him regardless of the sin we committed.

 “Do not be afraid,” Samuel replied. “You have done all this evil; yet do not turn away from the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. Do not turn away after useless idols. They can do you no good, nor can they rescue you, because they are useless. For the sake of his great name the Lordwill not reject his people, because the Lord was pleased to make you his own."

-1 Samuel 12:20-22

See? Even if we sin, God's love never changes. It remains the same. He knows how incapable we are to do good, that's why our righteousness is not based on our own good works, but rather on Jesus. What He wants from us is to return to Him, and remain in Him. 

Why worrying is illogical

(This is just a reminder from the Holy Spirit while I was praying a while ago, enumerating to Him the things that bothers me.)

• Why do you worry about the sins that you habitually commit? Will worrying help you from overcoming that sin?
• Why do you worry about your problems? Will worrying solve your problems?
• Why do you worry about the discouraging things about you? Will worrying make you any better?
• Why do you worry about the things that you do not understand or do not have knowledge about? Will worrying teach you about all of these?
• Why do you worry about your lack of faith? Will worrying increase it even to a size of a mustard seed?

     You cannot generate power to overcome your sins, or make your own pleasing sacrifice to God for your forgiveness. You cannot make your own solution to your problems, to your imperfection, not even to your lack of faith and understanding.

     Apart from the True Vine, we are absolutely dead. ONLY by being connected to Him we can bear fruits (John 15:4). He alone is the source of everything. He alone is the One Who can do anything, and through Whom we can do anything. Worrying, essentially, is trying hard to solve how to produce fruits by yourself. And you know how illogical it is to do for a branch if it is disconnected from the main branch.

     We are not the Maker of anything. We are powerless, and absolutely dependent on the Giver. We are only to receive. How will you receive if you do not ask (James 4:2)? So instead of worrying, ask for it from God who is generous beyond imagination. And receive it by faith!

In the wilderness

          I believe it was God who led me here. Though I don't understand the things that I experience spiritually in this season, I know God is with me.

          After two years of being a Christian, this is the longest time that I felt disconnected with God. No matter how hard and fervently I pray, or read my bible, or fast, or I sought help from other Christian leaders, still things don't go back the way they were. I feel dry and thirsty. Sometimes I wanted to quit. In tears I ask God, "Where are you? I can't find you. I am destroyed. I need You." But words just echo in my mind as I pray. 

          Before, it was my struggles with sin that really discouraged me. Now, it is the absence of God's presence in my life. This is definitely not the life that Jesus died for me. He gives abundant life, then what is this? why do I feel defeated?

          Everything that I know about Christianity became unclear. All of a sudden, I don't feel God anymore. God's word does not speak to me personally anymore. I do not feel close to God anymore. I feel like He's becoming more and more of a stranger again. Doubt overcomes me. I cry so hard to God, pleading that I may fellowship with Him again. As I look at the fire in other Christians' lives, I feel envy. They seem so close to God. I remember myself before, the joy, the delight, the simplicity and beauty of spending time with God. I missed those days. But this time, something changed. The more I seek God, the more He hides Himself from me. This is strange. So strange.  I never thought this was going to happen to me. I have never felt this even before I knew Christ.

          "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." (1 PETER 4:12)

          I thank God for this verse. This is really helpful in this time of testing of faith.

          Jesus is the Light of my life. As I lose my sight of Him, darkness again comes to devour me. But, no. I am not going to turn back from Him. I will fight the good fight of faith. The devil may try to steal my faith away from me, but Jesus will sustain me. His grace is sufficient. I will abide in Him till the end.

          I know that I have to hold on. He's teaching me a lesson. He's making my faith firm, testing it,  just as a man refines gold in the fire. Though I felt forsaken, I will hold on to His promise. He was forsaken for me. He is faithful.

          Just as God led Jesus in the wilderness before He started His ministry, God led me here, preparing me for the job in which I will serve Him in the near future. I may be walking through the wilderness, but I will fight till I reached the Promised Land. The best, the unimaginable, the glorious, the supernatural are yet to come!

Why do we pray?

          I just realized that even before we pray, God already knows what we will ask for or will say. He already knows what we need. So basically we are just telling Him the things that He already know. So why still pray? :)

          God knows that I needed a Savior before I got saved. Why didn't He just save me? Why did I still have to accept His invitation through prayer? Why do I have to ask Him to heal me when I am sick, or to help me when I am in trouble, or to save me from a possible grade of 5.0 in a Computer Science Subject? Why do I still have to humble myself before Him before He does His work in my life? Can't He just do it without my permission?

          Then I realized again something. He is Love. And He does not insist his own way. He is a gentleman. He doesn't force us to acknowledge Him, but He wants us to do that out of love. He desires to help us and bless us, but oftentimes we are prideful and essentially telling Him that we don't need His help and try to destroy His plan for us. We stick to our own plans. We find our own solution apart from Him, not even asking for His guidance. But we pray to tell him "Lord, I allow you to work in my life. I want this to happen but Your will be done."

          Humility is the reason. Acknowledging the fact that apart from Him nothing good can happen, so we desperately come to Him, and pray to Him fervently, hoping that He will soon answer us according to His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Much further

                I remember myself before, back in third year highschool, when my classmate introduced me to Gospel. Back then I was still a Pharisee, depending on self-righteousness for my salvation. I accepted Christ after she described Hell and told me that only through Jesus I can be saved.  I became a “Christian” that time only because of fear, and I thought that’s the only point of Christianity – to be saved from the consequences of my sins. Period.

                I knew nothing about a personal relationship with God. At first I thought it was just about praying every night before going to sleep. And then later, I started reading our Bible to know more about God. Do some good things and then that’s it.

                When I became connected to a church, I saw another face of Christianity. It became more real and God revealed Himself to me mightily and I knew that He is a person who loves and want to fellowship with me. Prayer and reading the Bible became a habit. I enjoyed being a son to Him.

                 But there was a time when I started feeling this intense longing for God. I just feel like, there is much more in this Christianity. That this relationship with God still has something to go further. Much further.

                 I was just seeking God, desiring Him to be as real to me as He was to the early Christians. My little faith fails me to step out of my comfort zone, staying where I was and complaining to God why I was not moving. I confess to Him my longing for Him but still I feel like I was not going any further. I feel like I still cannot reach Him. And that is a big fat lie.

                But that season did not end there. It has a part two.

               I am currently reading the Book of Psalms and every time I read a verse or a chapter of it, I can’t help myself but to be in awe of the author’s relationship with God. The relationship is too real and personal. That’s exactly what I long for – to learn how to completely trust in God, and confidently declare that He loves you in any season of life, that He is not a God who is far, but who is with you and continuously thinks of you.

                I want to learn how to worship God even in awkward ways. I want to hear His voice whispering in my mind very clearly. I want to be familiar with is ways. I want to learn how to be sorry for my sin not because of its consequences or the shame it brings but because I hurt God and did what is evil in His sight. I want to be holy and full of the Spirit at all times. I just want to be close.

                The Book of Psalms is encouraging me to continually seek God, telling me that I can have that kind of relationship with Him, too. But of course, I have to make a move. Like any other relationship, time and communication are essential. But the most important ingredient is still His grace.

“I need Your blessings, but most of all, it is You who I desire the most.”

Someday, I will see Him face-to-face. He will no longer be invisible to my sight.

I can’t wait to see Him.

How long, O Lord?

There are times in my life when I just can’t help myself from praising God because of His goodness displayed in my situation. When He answers my impossible prayers, I praise God. When He gives the desire of my heart, I praise Him. When He makes my path clear and helps me carry out my plans, I praise Him. Whenever I feel Him working mightily in my life, I am in awe of Him and my lips utter beautiful words coming from my heart.

But there are also these times when I can’t find God anywhere. I can’t feel His presence. My prayers seems like they are just bouncing off my ceiling. No one in heaven notices my cries. My heart can hardly speak anymore because of tiredness of calling out to God. Problems are unusual. Even if I believe and expect for something, nothing happens and I can’t help myself from being discouraged to pray to Him. After all, no one listens to me. Time passes by very slowly. Waiting for God to respond is like a person waiting for a loved one who is in war to respond to his letter, without assurance when the soldier will be able to reply or if he will ever reply. It seems like forever, and you do not understand why He is allowing those things to happen to you – in a very long excruciating period of time. When David experienced this, this is what he said to God:

Psalm 13

(v1) How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?

 How long will you hide your face from me?

(v2) How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?

How long shall my enemies be exalted over me?

Sometimes, when this happens to me, I have the tendency to complain to God in anger, forgetting who He is, and as if the whole solar system revolves around me and my problems. But David knew his place, that he is just a servant needing the grace of a mighty God.

(v3) Consider and answer me, O Lord my God

              Light up my eyes lest I sleep the sleep of death

Even in his sorrow, He did not shrink back from his faith. Even if every time he prays and God does not answer him, he does not get disappointed. He does not feel discouraged. He knows who his God is so His confidence in God did not cease. Even if there is a possibility of God not answering him again next time , he still is faithful to pray to God, and he was sure that amidst the long period of drought, maybe this time God will answer him finally.

(v5) But I have trusted in Your steadfast love;

             My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation

(v6) I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me.

He remained faithful to Him, because he knows that the One who is with him is more than faithful. :)

Forgiveness

"So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I BEG you to reaffirm your love for him."

-Paul, 2 Corinthians 2:7,8 (ESV)

(I was greatly moved when I have read this for the first time so I am sharing it. )

Whenever we sin to God, He does not condemn us. He does not want us to be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow because of condemnation or shame or self-pity. He does not want us to feel depressed and hopeless because of the sin that we did. He desires to forgive us, and Jesus' sacrifice is the proof.

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

-1 John 1:9

We are sure that we are always forgiven whenever we ask God sincerely for it. But what about when our brother sins against us? Do we respond to him like God will?

I remember our pastor assuring us that we will, someday, offend a brother or be offended by a brother in a church. Even I have already experienced that. And God wants us to respond to this kind of situation in a way He does.

 "So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him,..." -2 Corinthians 2:7

"For you were angry with me, your anger turned away that you might comfort me." - Isaiah 12:1

We are not just to forgive, but also to comfort the one who has offended us. Obviously, this is so because the love of God in Christ encourages us not to focus on what the disease is, or what caused the disease, but on how to heal the sick. Do we want our brother to be depressed? to feel hopeless? We are not to condemn, or to resent, or to make any further damage to anyone. We are to forgive even the unforgivable, just us God forgives us in Christ. 

Our confidence to be forgiven by God should also be the confidence of our brother to be forgiven by us.

So I BEG you, whoever he is, whenever there is, to reaffirm your love for him as Christ does to you.

Desire

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

-Psalm 37:4

Yes. The desire of my heart. A powerful driving force in my life.

So powerful that it takes over my faith, and enslaves my body.

This is a season when I can not feel the fresh river water flowing at my feet, when I can barely feel the silky grass on my back as I lie down on a green pasture and the gentleness of the breeze touching my skin, and the pain is slowly eating me inside because the strength of my heart’s desire is directly proportional to the impossibility of it to happen.

It was impossible.

All my life I have wanted it to happen. I was praying for it for several years by now and the feeling of discouragement and hopelessness has already crept in. It takes away the joy in me.

But He knows my struggle. He feels for me. He sympathizes for me. My Father is ever with me.

The Lord wants me to be persistent and to continue praying for it. He does not want me to give up (Luke 18:1). He does not want me to be overcome by these feelings and negative thoughts. I believe He was the One who gave me this desire, and He will satisfy me someday. He is telling me to go on and be expectant.

I will delight in the Lord. No matter how strong this struggle is, I will always find peace and hope in Him for He is loving and trustworthy.And He gave His Word that He will give me the desires of my heart. He is first above my desires, and worthy of my praise.

It was impossible to happen, before I learned how to hold on to His promise.

Your will be done

One night, I was wondering what God wants me to be after graduation. Of course, I don’t want to pursue my plans if they are not according to His will. Then I realized that I am being so focused on my future. I should not just let God take control of my future, but also my present life. So instead of asking what His will is after my graduation, I think it is better to ask what His will is for the next 24 hours of my life.

This day, I don’t know what can happen. My summer vacation so far is too routinary. Honestly, this bores me so much. Being away from my church and having no academic problems seem like I already forgot how to depend on God’s power. I feel like I have set aside His will in my life temporarily. Actually, I feel this whenever I am home. I forgot that my purpose is not just limited within the bounds of my churchlife or my life in university, and that He is currently at work in my life. But my purpose extends to every area of my life. I should not just be aware of His will whenever my Christian friends are around, or I attend a youth service or see a possible person to reach out. He is busy working in us even during this boring summer vacation, and even if I can’t feel it. His will covers everything, every little thing, every detail of my life. Even the things that seem like God does not care about, He has a will for it. A purpose for everything.

So I have to ask for that will, and be aware of that, that I may participate to what He is doing, and to prevent myself from hindering His plans.

“Lord, what do you want me to do this day?”

I thank God for this realization, and for redirecting me to His will.

:]

Seek

I was reading the ninth chapter of the Book of Psalms when I came across verse 10 which I already highlighted before.

“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

-Psalm 9:10

I’ve read this several times before. I am just reminded of God’s faithfulness for those who patiently seek Him. I am currently having a hard time finding God in this season of my life for some reason, and was almost going to give up. But I have tasted the goodness of God, and I have decided not to give up this little faith of mine no matter what happens, because He’s not giving up on me either. And this verse just encouraged me to go on and continue seeking Him. 

Love

A year ago, I was having this struggle within me. My heart thirsts for love, for affection and attention. Before I got to be a follower of Christ, I was putting my security to my self-righteousness, friends, grades and other sins. I thought those things would satisfy my cravings. I thought the pleasures that they gave me would last. I thought I already found love in them. But deep inside, something was wrong. I still always feel incomplete. The cravings became so intense that it actually turned into pain because of hopelessness.

When I knew Christ, I gave them up to Him. I knew better, that these were not able to satisfy my soul. But, I still felt the incompleteness. I was still longing for love and intimacy. That was the season of depression to me. Every night I cry out my heart to God, hoping that He would satisfy me. I was, then, a new believer and starting to know Christ. The Gospel was not that real to me, and I was just beginning to see a glimpse of it.

I remember myself one time. I was sitting outside the university’s main library, reading my Bible and talking to God. I was complaining God about my depression. About my insecurities. About the love that I could not find. I told Him, “Lord, I know I won’t find that love in anyone or anything. And I know that You love me so much, but I can’t feel it. What I need is love that I can feel physically. What good is you love if I am not able to feel it? How will that be real to me?” I was teary-eyed that time because of the pain. I was wondering if God really hears me.

It was an immature and faithless prayer, indeed. 

One night, I had a high fever. Of course, my body felt so hot that time. In the middle of the night, I was woken up by this sudden warm feeling. Because I had a fever that time, I easily perceived that the feeling was not a result of my fever. It was so warm and light, very far from the feeling of fever. It was like a gentle water flowing though my body, but at the same time was intense. It was the first (and the last) time that I experienced that. The first thing that came to my mind? The Holy Spirit.

After experiencing the Holy Spirit baptism and felt His manifestation physically, I became interested to what other Christians feel when they experienced it. :D And some say they felt an intense warm feeling. It was pure and full of love of God, that they started crying when they felt it. And I think that was what I felt that night. 

It humbled me, knowing that the God of the universe, the King, really listens to and loves a sinner like me. I was not even showing respect when I was complaining to Him. But there He was with me, sympathizing with me, understanding me. He just let me feel the purity of His love. He knew what I needed that time. He is truly my Father.

As I continue this journey, the Gospel becomes clearer and clearer. It becomes alive and real. Only He can satisfy the longings of my soul. Though I always fail, His love never will. His love indeed satisfies. 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
³ He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

(Psalm 23:1-3)

Where is the horizon?

I don't know about God. He gave me a glimpse, a tiny fragment of the whole picture of what is going to happen in the near future. But I don't know how it will happen, and when.
He just wants me to go, and continue focusing on Him, and He is the one who will bring me there.

Why "To the Next Horizon?"

Because according to the prophecy about me last March, God is bringing me to the next horizon and He wants me to be confident with that. I am now anticipating great events to happen in my life now, but He says that I should do my part also. Of course, I will. But honestly, I still do not know clearly what actually my part is. :)

So this is my way of monitoring how God will bring me to that horizon little by little.

Someday, I will see a pattern of how He molds me, maybe somehow with the help of my posts here, and of course, His Word. And His plans will later be revealed to me in a mighty way. Yes. In a mighty way.
I have to be prepared.
:D