In the wilderness

          I believe it was God who led me here. Though I don't understand the things that I experience spiritually in this season, I know God is with me.

          After two years of being a Christian, this is the longest time that I felt disconnected with God. No matter how hard and fervently I pray, or read my bible, or fast, or I sought help from other Christian leaders, still things don't go back the way they were. I feel dry and thirsty. Sometimes I wanted to quit. In tears I ask God, "Where are you? I can't find you. I am destroyed. I need You." But words just echo in my mind as I pray. 

          Before, it was my struggles with sin that really discouraged me. Now, it is the absence of God's presence in my life. This is definitely not the life that Jesus died for me. He gives abundant life, then what is this? why do I feel defeated?

          Everything that I know about Christianity became unclear. All of a sudden, I don't feel God anymore. God's word does not speak to me personally anymore. I do not feel close to God anymore. I feel like He's becoming more and more of a stranger again. Doubt overcomes me. I cry so hard to God, pleading that I may fellowship with Him again. As I look at the fire in other Christians' lives, I feel envy. They seem so close to God. I remember myself before, the joy, the delight, the simplicity and beauty of spending time with God. I missed those days. But this time, something changed. The more I seek God, the more He hides Himself from me. This is strange. So strange.  I never thought this was going to happen to me. I have never felt this even before I knew Christ.

          "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." (1 PETER 4:12)

          I thank God for this verse. This is really helpful in this time of testing of faith.

          Jesus is the Light of my life. As I lose my sight of Him, darkness again comes to devour me. But, no. I am not going to turn back from Him. I will fight the good fight of faith. The devil may try to steal my faith away from me, but Jesus will sustain me. His grace is sufficient. I will abide in Him till the end.

          I know that I have to hold on. He's teaching me a lesson. He's making my faith firm, testing it,  just as a man refines gold in the fire. Though I felt forsaken, I will hold on to His promise. He was forsaken for me. He is faithful.

          Just as God led Jesus in the wilderness before He started His ministry, God led me here, preparing me for the job in which I will serve Him in the near future. I may be walking through the wilderness, but I will fight till I reached the Promised Land. The best, the unimaginable, the glorious, the supernatural are yet to come!