Clouds of doubt

Dated: Midnight of Nov 7, 2012 at my room

I fear that the time will come when my faith will fail to believe, my wisdom to discern the truth and my eyes to see the light. I honestly do. There are so much confusion that is happening in my life right now, concerning faith. Major foundations of faith are being questioned in my mind. The more I comprehend how important knowing the truth is, as by knowing it determines real life and death, the more I get to question every belief that I have. I feel like, if I missed the truth, as if missing the bull's eye, I will live my life being deceived. Who wants to be deceived? 

I dunno if I am the only Christian who is as doubtful as a skeptic. I question almost everything. I always ask the infamous doubtful question "what if?" According to a prophecy about me last March, God will use me to influence those who are doubtful, skeptics and atheists. Maybe that's the reason why I have to be the most doubtful of all - to be able to answer their questions once I have been enlightened. 

I want to come to a point when I will be willing to die for Jesus. That's scary. But I want to be strong enough to carry that burden. There are so many requirements before anyone will be qualified to do the work that God call us to do. Of course, it is still He will change us to be qualified, but the process are always difficult and painful. And there is no shortcut. 

I believe I am in a major make-over. I feel like I am being disciplined under the strictest observation. I have never been in a place of darkness this long, or this intense to the point that prayer is truly the only option left. The fiery arrows of the enemy fly everywhere and I don't even know how long I can endure. 

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

I thank God for reminding me of these verses just now while writing this. That is exactly how I feel sometimes. And I know at least once, every Christian will experience that. I realized how dependent I am on myself in terms of keeping myself in the faith. I did not actually realized that before! Now I am being disciplined by God. He's telling me that it is He who will sustain this faith. I will definitely lose my strength to hold on for I am just a human being, and that's exactly what I think God wants to happen: that I may know that He is faithful, not just through the words that He say, that I may experience it. 

"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life." (ESV)

"But God is my helper. The Lord keeps me alive!" (NLV)

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me" (NIV)

Different versions of Psalm 54:4

He keeps me alive, whether it's physical or spiritual. I might have been trying to save my life by holding on too much to my faith. I thought I got it all covered. I have already researched all that I have to know about the scientific and historical evidences of Jesus and the Bible when I was a baby Christian, I have seen God worked miracles through people (even through me, once) or through my prayers, I can see how He planned the details of my life to lead me to a church. I have convinced myself that I can sustain my faith with logic, knowledge and experience. But for some reason, they seem not too convincing to me anymore. I mean, they are. But my heart still is not at peace as if I needed more resources but I have nothing left. 

I knew I need more than what I have. I need God to intervene. How impossible this Christian life is apart from God! 

From dead, through Christ He made me alive forever. And since He is the One who wanted me to be saved, then He is the One who will sustain me till the end.