Love

A year ago, I was having this struggle within me. My heart thirsts for love, for affection and attention. Before I got to be a follower of Christ, I was putting my security to my self-righteousness, friends, grades and other sins. I thought those things would satisfy my cravings. I thought the pleasures that they gave me would last. I thought I already found love in them. But deep inside, something was wrong. I still always feel incomplete. The cravings became so intense that it actually turned into pain because of hopelessness.

When I knew Christ, I gave them up to Him. I knew better, that these were not able to satisfy my soul. But, I still felt the incompleteness. I was still longing for love and intimacy. That was the season of depression to me. Every night I cry out my heart to God, hoping that He would satisfy me. I was, then, a new believer and starting to know Christ. The Gospel was not that real to me, and I was just beginning to see a glimpse of it.

I remember myself one time. I was sitting outside the university’s main library, reading my Bible and talking to God. I was complaining God about my depression. About my insecurities. About the love that I could not find. I told Him, “Lord, I know I won’t find that love in anyone or anything. And I know that You love me so much, but I can’t feel it. What I need is love that I can feel physically. What good is you love if I am not able to feel it? How will that be real to me?” I was teary-eyed that time because of the pain. I was wondering if God really hears me.

It was an immature and faithless prayer, indeed. 

One night, I had a high fever. Of course, my body felt so hot that time. In the middle of the night, I was woken up by this sudden warm feeling. Because I had a fever that time, I easily perceived that the feeling was not a result of my fever. It was so warm and light, very far from the feeling of fever. It was like a gentle water flowing though my body, but at the same time was intense. It was the first (and the last) time that I experienced that. The first thing that came to my mind? The Holy Spirit.

After experiencing the Holy Spirit baptism and felt His manifestation physically, I became interested to what other Christians feel when they experienced it. :D And some say they felt an intense warm feeling. It was pure and full of love of God, that they started crying when they felt it. And I think that was what I felt that night. 

It humbled me, knowing that the God of the universe, the King, really listens to and loves a sinner like me. I was not even showing respect when I was complaining to Him. But there He was with me, sympathizing with me, understanding me. He just let me feel the purity of His love. He knew what I needed that time. He is truly my Father.

As I continue this journey, the Gospel becomes clearer and clearer. It becomes alive and real. Only He can satisfy the longings of my soul. Though I always fail, His love never will. His love indeed satisfies. 

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
² He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
³ He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.

(Psalm 23:1-3)